Any cult worth its salt is chock-full of chants, ceremonies, sacred stuff, and things that you Really Shouldn't say or do. The Transcendental Capsaicinophilic Society has no intention of rocking that boat. Thus, introduced here for the very first time exclusively to World Wide Web pilgrims, is the inaugural collection of TCS Chants And Rituals!
To be repeated seventeen times upon awakening each day:
To be spoken aloud in a deep voice at the midday meal, no matter who
else is listening:
To be repeated five times before the evening meal, traditionally the
most chile-laden meal of the day:
To be spoken in a loud whisper before retiring:
To be performed when a chile is prepared for consumption:
To be repeated silently when tempted to complain of "burning" or
other false delusions brought on by the Evil One
(Little Debbie):
Morning Chant
Oh, Moon, I bid thee farewell,
Oh, Blessed Incomparable Chile, Ruler of All Things,
I give thee thanks for the Sun,
I give thee thanks for the Moon!
Oh, Blessed Incomparable Chile, Most Bestest Thing of All,
I give thee thanks for my Digestive Health,
I give thee thanks for my very Life,
Thank you, Thank you for this New Day!
Midday Chant
Oh day of Bountiful Chiles!
Let this meal bring me closer to thee,
Let this meal help me see thy wisdom,
Let this meal enlighten my senses!
Oh, Chile! Thou fabulous fruit!
Oh, Chile! Thou maker of worlds!
I thank thee, Chile, for my noontime meal.
Evening Chant
We thank thee for this food and the Spice you bring,
We thank thee for the Journey that thy Heat will launch,
We thank thee for the Vision that thy Scovilles reveal.
As ends this day, so shall the next,
And so, sweet Chile, guide me to Enlightenment!
Bedtime Chant
My stomach burns, my eyes do weep,
If I should wake before the dawn,
I really hope the night-light's on.
Chile Preparation Ritual
Stamp left foot.
Say aloud: Oh Blessed {chile type}
Stamp right foot.
Whisper softly: We become as One.
Rock head from side to side.
Shout very loud: May thy hotness Awaken me!
Littany Against Pain
Take me, chile, and I shall Escape.
Focus my eyes, chile, and I shall See.
Consume more chiles
I feel no pain, for the chile is my teacher.
I feel no pain, for the chile takes me beyond myself.
I feel no pain, for the chile gives me sight.